Me. I’m back. And whinier and pissier than ever. K, not really but I’m falling apart a bit after the shitstorm I just came from. 3 weird relationships took their turns with me and spun me on my head. That being said, I do feel like a much stronger version of my selves. We can talk in detail about the trilogy another day. Stay tuned – it’s juicy but long-winded.
I decided to restart this blog because breadcrumbs are important to me, journalling is healthy but I also need to write more. So many feels right now and most of it is pain.
I’m heartbroken. Turned 30 on a Monday this year and witnessed one death after another. People I’m close to are falling apart inside and out. Some are sick, others are giving up if they haven’t already ended their life. As I become more outspoken about things I cannot tolerate (tactfully, mind you) people drop out of my life like flies. I feel like I’m shedding a skin. I also feel my skin crawling and burning as I go through withdrawal from alcohol every 2-3 days. I wake up with my heart racing and pain in my chest, sharp pins and needles through my whole body, my teeth feel like they want to fall out as my mouth is constantly bleeding now and full of lacerations and welts. My hand hurts to write this because of carpal tunnel making it’s way into everything I enjoy.
I feel disgusting and anxious all the time and all I want right now is to be held. Be someone’s baby boy. Snuggles. Stroke my head and read me a story so I can sleep. Someone who truly loves back. Sadly, I trust no one but myself right now. I don’t want to kiss anyone with this mouth, hug anyone when I sweat this much, or have anyone in my bed. I’m disgusted and sad and in a world of hurt. All I hear at the start and end of my day are the hurtful things people have screamed at me. That I’m dirty, a piece of shit, manipulative, lying about my conditions, that I’m a straight woman, unsafe to be around, a child molestor. All of this because of being open about my insecurities and things that hurt ME in the past. This year I realized how much people take your transparency to use it against you and manipulate you. Mind control has been one hell of a roller coaster. Honestly I’m so exposed that I have nothing to hide and nothing to lie about but I need to draw the line with some people, and trust me now more than anyone. As much as I want someone to love and make love to, hold and be held by, I’m holding my cards closer. I’m exhausting, exhausted, and so fucking done with y’all.
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